The Plot Bunny
by picascribit
Summary: In which we learn why Severus decided to give the thrilling life of an Animagus a miss. Fandom parody mocking MarySues, MPreg, matchmaker!Dumbledore. NOTE: Story sort of hinges on a visual gag. See version in my ao3 archive for image.


He had overheard them whispering about it in the library, but Severus Snape would never admit to having got an idea from the Marauders. Especially not one this good.

Animagi! As if they could ever have the discipline to accomplish such a thing! In all of Britain, there were no more than one or two wizards in each generation to master such a feat. But if he had anything to say about it, he, Severus, would be one of them.

It was a complicated process, to say the least, involving weeks and months of study and research.

First, one had to discover one's true animal form, which required no little skill at Divination. Severus had only attained average marks in the subject thus far. Still, there was no mistaking the sign when it came. It appeared to him over and over again in the crystal, the tea leaves, and he even thought he saw a hint of the same shadowy creature in the palm of his hand.

The rabbit. It was a good form. Fast, silent, and easily concealed. Severus imagined a sleek, black hare, watching from the shadows, learning the Marauders' secrets and plans, and turning those discoveries against them. Revenge would be his at last, and it would be sweet.

Once the animal form was discovered, one had to collect the key ingredient for the spell: twingeberries, gathered by the light of the full moon for maximum potency. It took him almost a month to discover a clump of twingeberry bushes in the Forbidden Forest, and by the time he had found them, the season had nearly passed, and the berries were beginning to shrivel and pucker on the stems, making them even more tough and bitter than they were at their peak.

Once the berries were collected, all that was left to do was to thoroughly chew and swallow the nasty, oily things while concentrating on one's animal form: what it meant and what it felt like to be the rabbit, and to will it into being.

Severus had the will. He was going to show those marauding bastards what true wizardry was. Once he had achieved the transformation, the Wizarding world would stand in awe of him. He would get the respect he deserved, and the admiration he secretly longed for.

It took weeks of disciplined concentration, focussing all his attention and energy inward in every spare moment, trying to find the beast within and draw it to the surface.

It finally happened on a Saturday afternoon in the late spring. Many of his fellow students were lounging around the Hogwarts grounds, enjoying the beautiful weather, but Severus was lurking in the Slytherin dormitory, eyes closed, madly chewing twingeberries and thinking lapine thoughts.

_Carrots,_ he thought. _Clover. Warm, safe burrows. Lots of sex._

Suddenly, he felt as if the world had dropped away from him. Eyes flying open in surprise, he landed on the stone floor on all fours. Everything around him was huge. He could hear the sounds made by tiny things skittering inside the walls.

He gave a little hop of triumph and swiftly went to the door, nosing it open. Keeping to the shadows, he decided to try his hand - or rather, paw - at the stealthy art of spying.

He caught Gilderoy Lockhart, one of his dorm mates, in the boys' toilets, having a wank with his eyes shut, and he allowed himself a smirk at that before moving on. _Probably thinking of himself, the girly poof._

Nosing his way into one of the other Slytherin dorm rooms, he found a boy sprawled on his stomach across his bed, black hair falling into his eyes, writing feverishly in a diary. Regulus Black. He could so easily sneak up behind him right now and transform and - no. Not now. Maybe some other time. He wondered what Regs was writing so furiously, eyes wide, lips parted, slightly breathless.

Regretfully, he turned away and made his way out of the Slytherin dungeons, into the upper castle. He had to hide quickly in the shadows when he heard voices approaching down a corridor. It was Headmaster Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall, the Transfiguration mistress.

As they strolled past, Dumbledore was saying, "You know, Minerva, you've given me the most marvelous idea for a story. A ball, like you said. Everyone looking their finest. And a king and queen of the ball, chosen from Slytherin and Gryffindor. I wonder if such an event could quell the inter-house rivalry?"

Their voices faded as the two professors turned a corner, and Severus detached himself from the shadows, slipping out into the castle grounds. Keeping out of sight, hiding himself behind clumps of tasty clover and large stones, he kept his long ears pricked up for snatches of conversation.

A group of giggling Ravenclaw girls sat near the castle steps. As he approached, he caught a fragment of their conversation.

"... and she's the most beautiful girl who's ever gone to Hogwarts - part elf and part veela. She has black hair with streaks of silver and purple and her eyes change colour when she's sad or angry. And James Potter and Sirius Black are _both_ in love with her," she finished triumphantly, casting a simpering glance toward a group of four boys lounging near the lake.

Severus wondered if rabbits had a gag reflex, and then decided that they must not, or he would have brought up his lunch right then and there. He wondered who the genetic horror was that the girls had spoken of, and why he could not recall seeing anyone of her description around the school.

On silent paws he crept toward the boys, hiding behind a conveniently-located bush.

Peter Pettigrew was speaking. "And then, when we all grow up, you marry Lily -" Severus saw James Potter grin lazily at this suggestion, and ground his pointy teeth together in loathing. "- and Moony and Padfoot get married, too, and you all have lots of babies!"

At this pronouncement, Sirius Black doubled up, whooping with laughter, Remus Lupin sprayed the pumpkin juice he had been drinking out over the lake, and James made a gagging noise, sticking his finger down his throat.

"Wormtail! That's the _worst_ idea for a story I've ever heard!" declared the Quidditch captain, rolling his eyes.

Remus wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and raised an eyebrow at Sirius, who lay on the ground, wheezing helplessly.

"Padfoot?" he said circumspectly. "He wouldn't want to spoil his girlish figure with unsightly stretch marks."

_Salazar Slytherin!_ thought Severus, shaking off the disturbing mental image. _Is this all people talk about when I'm not around? Writing twisted stories?_

This thought was interrupted by a piercing shriek, and he whirled around in time to see the giggling Ravenclaws he had overheard earlier staring at him and pointing.

"Oh, Maggie, isn't it _precious_?!" the blonde one squealed.

The auburn-haired girl pressed the back of her hand to her forehead theatrically, as if about to swoon. "He is the _cutest_ widdle bunny-wunny I ever saw!"

Suddenly all five girls were coming at him, bending down, hands outstretched, making cooing and clucking noises.

He broke and ran, streaking toward the gardens behind the greenhouses, pursued by feminine cries of dismay and disappointment.

As soon as he thought it was safe, he made his way stealthily back into the castle, taking care to remain unnoticed. Safe at last in his deserted dorm room, he dared to find himself a looking glass, and behold for the first time his one true Animagus form: a tiny, fluffy white bunny.


End file.
